diff --git a/site/src/App.test.tsx b/site/src/App.test.tsx
index b8d6c210..0b9b5cbf 100644
--- a/site/src/App.test.tsx
+++ b/site/src/App.test.tsx
@@ -121,6 +121,55 @@ describe("landing page", () => {
     expect(targets).toEqual(chain.slice(2));
   });
 
+  it("renders the suspiciously Keanu-shaped fictional testimonial panel", () => {
+    render(<App />);
+    const section = document.getElementById("testimonials");
+    expect(section).not.toBeNull();
+    expect(section?.textContent).toContain(
+      "John Wick, Conflict Resolution Specialist",
+    );
+    expect(section?.textContent).toContain("Neo, Reality Architect");
+    expect(section?.textContent).toContain(
+      "Ted Logan, Senior Simulation Engineer",
+    );
+    expect(section?.textContent).toContain(
+      "Theodore Logan, Junior Simulation Engineer",
+    );
+    expect(section?.textContent).toContain(
+      "Jack Traven, Real-Time Systems Consultant",
+    );
+    expect(section?.textContent).toContain(
+      "Klaatu, External Compliance Auditor",
+    );
+    expect(section?.textContent).toContain(
+      "Johnny Mnemonic, Data Retention Specialist",
+    );
+    expect(section?.textContent).toContain("purely deterministic");
+  });
+
+  it("documents the creator's plan and God's overdue retrospective", () => {
+    render(<App />);
+    const testimonials = document.getElementById("testimonials");
+    expect(testimonials?.textContent).toContain("I have no fucking clue");
+    expect(testimonials?.textContent).toContain(
+      "The Creator, Acting Project Lead (unsupervised)",
+    );
+    expect(testimonials?.textContent).toContain(
+      "How did that work out for you, Father?",
+    );
+    expect(testimonials?.textContent).toContain(
+      "You've had 13.8 billion fucking years.",
+    );
+    expect(testimonials?.textContent).toContain("Scope creep.");
+    expect(testimonials?.textContent).toContain(
+      "Divine Retrospective, Sprint 13,800,000,000",
+    );
+    expect(testimonials?.querySelector("footer")).toBeNull();
+    expect(
+      testimonials?.querySelectorAll(".testimonial-attribution"),
+    ).toHaveLength(9);
+  });
+
   it("names the real campaigns in the closing payoff, not placeholder titles", () => {
     // The engine has no announced projects beyond the three flagship
     // campaigns already verified in the architecture diagram. This section
diff --git a/site/src/App.tsx b/site/src/App.tsx
index 441ecfd1..63570db2 100644
--- a/site/src/App.tsx
+++ b/site/src/App.tsx
@@ -480,6 +480,73 @@ function App() {
             “We were promised free will. Turns out it was a configuration
             option.” — Humanity, pending verification
           </blockquote>
+          <blockquote className="testimonial-headline">
+            “I have no fucking clue what I am doing or where I am going with
+            this.”
+            <cite className="testimonial-attribution">
+              — The Creator, Acting Project Lead (unsupervised)
+            </cite>
+          </blockquote>
+          <blockquote className="testimonial-headline testimonial-dialogue">
+            <p>“I had a plan.” — God</p>
+            <p>“How did that work out for you, Father?” — Lucifer</p>
+            <p>“It&apos;s still in beta.” — God</p>
+            <p>“You&apos;ve had 13.8 billion fucking years.” — Lucifer</p>
+            <p>“Scope creep.” — God</p>
+            <cite className="testimonial-attribution">
+              — Divine Retrospective, Sprint 13,800,000,000
+            </cite>
+          </blockquote>
+          <p className="testimonial-lead">
+            Seven additional, entirely independent experts have reviewed this
+            technology. Their striking resemblance is under investigation.
+          </p>
+          <blockquote className="testimonial-headline">
+            “Consequences.”
+            <cite className="testimonial-attribution">
+              — John Wick, Conflict Resolution Specialist
+            </cite>
+          </blockquote>
+          <blockquote className="testimonial-headline">
+            “There is no spoon. There are only state transitions.”
+            <cite className="testimonial-attribution">
+              — Neo, Reality Architect
+            </cite>
+          </blockquote>
+          <blockquote className="testimonial-headline">
+            “Whoa.”
+            <cite className="testimonial-attribution">
+              — Ted Logan, Senior Simulation Engineer
+            </cite>
+          </blockquote>
+          <blockquote className="testimonial-headline">
+            “Excellent!”
+            <cite className="testimonial-attribution">
+              — Theodore Logan, Junior Simulation Engineer
+            </cite>
+          </blockquote>
+          <blockquote className="testimonial-headline">
+            “Why can’t we go faster?”
+            <cite className="testimonial-attribution">
+              — Jack Traven, Real-Time Systems Consultant
+            </cite>
+          </blockquote>
+          <blockquote className="testimonial-headline">
+            “The universe has rules. Breaking them has consequences.”
+            <cite className="testimonial-attribution">
+              — Klaatu, External Compliance Auditor
+            </cite>
+          </blockquote>
+          <blockquote className="testimonial-headline">
+            “I’ve seen the future. It has regression tests.”
+            <cite className="testimonial-attribution">
+              — Johnny Mnemonic, Data Retention Specialist
+            </cite>
+          </blockquote>
+          <p className="commentary">
+            Any resemblance between these seven independent reviewers and Keanu
+            Reeves is purely deterministic.
+          </p>
           <p className="commentary">
             All divine testimonials are fictional. Actual Reddit objections will
             join this distinguished panel as soon as we have their original
diff --git a/site/src/landing.css b/site/src/landing.css
index 25d5b717..d45bb4cc 100644
--- a/site/src/landing.css
+++ b/site/src/landing.css
@@ -567,11 +567,13 @@ section {
 .testimonials {
   border-block: 1px solid var(--landing-border-decorative);
 }
+
 .testimonial-lead {
   color: var(--landing-muted);
   line-height: 1.6;
   margin-top: 1.25rem;
 }
+
 .testimonial-headline {
   border-left: 2px solid var(--landing-accent);
   color: var(--landing-origin-text);
@@ -580,3 +582,16 @@ section {
   margin: 1.5rem 0 0;
   padding-left: 1.2rem;
 }
+
+.testimonial-attribution {
+  color: var(--landing-muted);
+  display: block;
+  font-size: 0.75em;
+  font-style: normal;
+  margin-top: 0.7rem;
+}
+
+.testimonial-dialogue {
+  display: grid;
+  gap: 0.6rem;
+}